Pretending to be a Mexican named Julio Federico Juan Valenzuelo Valveras
My wife Ashley as Jennifer Rumson and myself as the Mexican Julio in "Paint Your Wagon"
I posted several times on Facebook “Jason is pretending to be a Mexican named Julio Federico Juan Valenzuelo Valveras.” Most people just thought I was just being goofy, but I actually have been pretending to be a Mexican named Julio Federico Valenzuelo Valveras in a local production of “Paint Your Wagon,” a musical that is set during the gold rush. I thought I would share with you the challenge of a pasty white-boy in becoming Mexican.
Practically a Latino
Luckily I am highly qualified to play this part thanks to the two years of Spanish class I took in high school in which learned near fluency (ie. I know enough to get laughed at by a Spanish speaker and that is all). This has allowed me to fake a Mexican Accent so well that a fellow cast member, and mother of real children, told me I sound just like Handy Manny, whom we can all assume is performed by a truly amazing, high quality native of Mexico. I would say I sound a bit more like Antonio Banderas, but I failed to find anyone that would back me up on that statement. Anyhow they picked me rather than a real Latino, which says a lot (unless you find out that no real Mexicans tried out for the role).
Familiar with Mexico’s Customs
Another qualification is that I have have helped several local Mexicans ship FedEx packages to Mexico. Alright, so that one is a little weak you might be saying, well I bet I am more familiar with Mexico’s customs than you. Not cultural customs, but the equally important imort and export customs. For instance, did you know Mexico will not allow anything shipped that was made in China! I’ll bet you didn’t… not even the Mexicans I serve know that.
Physical Transformation
Adding color to my skin has been a combination of the tanning package my wife bought me, mystic spray tanning, and brown mineral powder foundation. In other words I am red, orange, and brown…. just call me Autumn or Thanksgiving.
My hair has been died twice… first brown and then black, because the brown hair wasn’t “Mexican enough” according to the expert fellow white cast members. Facial hair has been shaved to be similar to Orlando Bloom and the Batman dude who’s name escapes me at the moment. This facial hair then must be darkened with dark eye shadow to match the hair on my head.
I then act cocky, not because Mexicans are cocky, but because people are less likely to question my Mexican-ness if I do it with some bravado (actually that is just part of my character – the proud Julio).
Singing with a Spanish accent has been a bit more challenging since elongated vowels tend to lose their potency and because I was not permitted to sing the songs in Spanish (actually I couldn’t if I tried… it’s all in English and my translation skills have grown rusty – i.e. never existed). If you come see me perform, please forgive me if I accidentally roll my R’s in inappropriate spots, or slip into a white-boy accent, or I strangely look a bit too orange. So far I think I have totally fooled everyone who doesn’t know me (just the really old, white grandmas with failing vision, and really small children that have no clue what a Mexican is).
Those dang white people!
The greatest advantage to being Mexican is that I can now be racist toward all the white people I know… something I have never had the pleasure of doing. Now, I am not saying Mexicans have a beef with white people… I just want to experience it while I am under layers of spray tan and makeup. I’m not quite sure I am getting the full effect however, since I just get laughed at when I make comments and jokes at my white, fellow cast members, but I should have the hang of it by the end of the production and finally have offend someone. You know, it really is hard to offend white people – Honky, Cracker, Pale force… no phrase seems to offend them…no not even Yakoo. White trash may offend them, but only if it is true.
Justice for the Persecuted
I figure if God is just, then he might like my idea to eventually have people that are racist be born into a world that discriminates against them so they learn, maybe as the same race they chose to hate. I figure that is fair… and if so, then I will probably be white because of my transgressions against them as a spray-tanned Latino.
